Focus on Your Heart
How the boys and I felt this Monday morning.
Nothing out of the ordinary. I slept through my alarm, then my backup alarm, and finally got up at the same time I'm supposed to be getting #bambam up for his shower. Just like any other day, I staggered around, breaking up arguments, reminding myself not to police the kids (and then doing it anyway). We had a last minute addition to the shower schedule and realized that we were out of Uncrustables sandwiches for lunches. At one point as my husband was fleeing for his life I even uttered the words, "This is why I hate my life." I'm pretty sure I didn't mean it though.
At some point in the circus I decided I needed to try to get myself ready for work. I washed yesterday's makeup off my face because I was too tired last night to. I found a wrinkle free polo and a stretchy pair of black pants. My only option for my frizzy hair was a messy bun and yes, that is the same bandeau I wore on Saturday. As I do on every Monday morning, I stepped on the bathroom scale and, for the second week in a row, saw a number I had never seen before.
My heart sank as I saw those numbers and I replayed all of my poor health choices over the last week. As I do every week, I vowed to do better while knowing deep in my soul that I can't. I can't do it y'all. With all of the plates I am juggling something had to drop one of which was my personal health. In everything buzzing through my brain I heard a whisper, "Focus on your heart this week."
The other plate that lay cracked at my feet is my heart and my soul. I've neglected the One who made me and in so doing have neglected myself. Not just my fleshy (flabby) body, MYSELF. Who I really am beyond the flab. I have been medicating my feelings and stress with Oreo cookies (double stuff of course) and candy corn instead of feeding my heart by spending quiet, quality time with God. Those things only taste good while they are in my mouth but they leave me still feeling empty inside.
Focus on your heart. "Okay God, I can do that." And I left the bathroom feeling a bit lighter. I brushed my daughter's hair and made her sandwich so she wouldn't miss the bus. I gave grace, took this pic with my boys, and laughed while we waited for the bus to arrive. I gave extra hugs and "I love you" signs and I forgot all about the numbers on the scale this morning because I focused on my heart.
So what does that mean, really? What does it look like day-to-day to focus on my heart? Does this mean I can eat Oreos and candy corn all day? Well, I'm not buying any more Oreos, but I'm also not going to stress over snacking when I get home from work or even after the kids go to bed. I will enjoy the Halloween candy and birthday cake this week because it's Halloween and my daughter's birthday.
For me, it looks like dragging my tush out of bed when the alarm goes off so that I can have quiet time in the morning with just coffee and Jesus. It looks like unending grace towards myself and my kids (and Jared too, I guess). It looks like stopping what I am working on for evening prayers and tuck-ins. It looks like giving up my nightly tv show in favor of quiet reflection and prayer for those I love.
This week, I'm choosing to set aside the guilt and the cookies to focus on becoming the person I was made to be. To focus on my Creator and the passion He has placed in me. To focus on my purpose and tuning my ears to hear the Spirit's voice.
To focus on my heart.
