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What are 3 roles I've not been fulfilling well?
Y'all.
Balancing wife, job, and children is hard. I've been recognizing my failures in these 3 areas lately and it's made me desperate to change it. I've said before, I don't like to do things at any level less than 150%. If you add that up, that is 450%. I think you can understand my feelings of epic failure.
So I set out last weekend to change that.
I read working mommy blogs, and made a plan. We deep cleaned the house, caught up on laundry, reorganized, and (horror) grocery shopped. I even planned our meals for the next week and a half, until our next planned trip to Branson (hello Walmart Grocery Pickup)! As I went to bed Sunday night I felt good. I felt at peace with myself and my ability to wear 3 hats. I knew there would be bumps during the week but I felt confident I could now handle anything.
Monday:
Slept through my alarm. I never do that! Like a pro, I steeled myself and said, “So what if I'm a little late today!” Washed #1’s bedding since I was caught up on laundry. Dominated the day. Made a new recipe for dinner that got two thumbs down but I didn't even care because I made it. Went to bed feeling good.
Tuesday:
Got up early. All of my little soldiers perform beautifully and we get everyone to school on time. The evening is wonderful and filled with nail painting and #2 helping me cook dinner. Success.
Wednesday:
#4 is acting funny but #3 has earned the privilege of choosing a dress to wear to school. Hooray! Made it to 2:00 before the dreaded email, “Come pick up #4. Temp is 101.8.” I get flustered as I'm only an hour shy of my 8 hours for the day. A dose of Tylenol and she is sent to bed but doesn't sleep. I'm restless too and ready to hang up all 3 of my hats. Jared brings home the other 4 and offers to take them out and bring home dinner. In the process of getting everyone ready, we discover one child has not only had an accident, but has thrown the wet clothes in the top of the closet to try to hide the evidence. I shut down. Two Dots and baseball on ESPN gamecast have my attention the rest of the evening.
Thursday:
Slept through my alarm again. One child’s bed is wet. I discover Milo’s muddy paws all over our bed. Monster Mommy. No coffee. No time for reading my Bible. No recovery. Our sick kiddo is not allowed to go back to school until Friday even though she is better now. She is now quietly playing with barbies while I desperately try to pull myself together.
As I reenact this week, I'm embarrassed. There has not been a single good reason for my bad behavior. Only that things have not gone my way, which is a very bad reason. I know that God has given me today to “re-center” and I cannot waste this gift of a day at home with just one child. Oh my goodness it is hard though! My heart is restless and my fingers are raw from picking at them and I'm just not sure I can change.
“But you, O Lord, are a God of compassion and mercy, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness.”
Psalm 86:15“No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead…”
Philippians 3:13
Update: We received word yesterday that all papers have been filed and we are just waiting for the judge to schedule our adoption day! Please continue to pray for the kiddos. This is a season of celebration for them but also a season of loss. We mourn with them and have been trying to help them process, and see God’s hand in, their past, present, and future.
Much love,
The Black Family
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